Malibu Shark Attack

Peta Wilson (2009) An earthquake unleashes huge, prehistoric sharks that terrorize scenic California.

Syfy Saturday movie from 7/25.

I guess the 25th was a shark-themed day, as that's when "Spring Break Shark Attack" aired as well.

Also, prehistoric sharks are really ugly. FYI. They really need to go to the Orthodontist. And they've got some sort of Unicorn thing going on...

And I'm not gonna do my standard "Time it takes female characters to get scantily clad" reporting, because this is a beach-related movie, and the establishing shots were all scantily clad women. And continue to be.

They've just killed off a number of random characters. I wonder if we were supposed to care about them.

Sharks vs. Para-sailers? Potential for hilarity.

So, far, the main characters seem to be lifeguards. There's Angry Dude, Woman Who Just Got Proposed To, Woman Who Quite Possibly Might Be A Dude, and Young Sarcastic Guy.

There's a tsunami warning thanks to the earthquake. And they're evacuating the beach. So, the director decided to show a shot of a highway full of traffic to show that everyone was trying to leave. Unfortunately, they panned to the oncoming traffic, which was also jammed. Apparently, while most people flee from tsunamis, there are an approximately equal number of people who flock towards them.

And our intrepid lifeguards are taking shelter in their lifeguard hut. Behind their plywood shutters. Hiding from a tsunami. But it seems that wasn't a bad idea. Because in Malibu Shark Attack World large amounts of water going at stupidly fast speeds don't actually affect all that much when they hit stuff. I think it filled the hut with about 2 feet of water, and broke one of the slats on one of the shutters. Of a hut right on the beach. Which is now surrounded by water. Water that is well over 10 feet deep.

One of the female characters was maliciously wounded by a falling filing cabinet. She's very annoying. What with the screaming and stuff. Oh, wait. I haven't named her yet. I'll call her "The Slutty One". For obvious reasons. And she's got a 6 or so inch gash on her leg, which they're stitching because "she was losing too much blood". And she asks if there'll be a scar. The answer is apparently "a small one". When I was a kid, I was maliciously attacked by a gardening trowel, which caused a one inch gash on my hand. I got 2 stiches, and still have a pretty decent sized scar. Although, I guess they're lying to her to get her to shut up and stop screaming. It hasn't worked perfectly, but at least she's subsided to a whimper, rather than full on screaming.

ALso, apparently, according to loose women, all it takes to start "looking like Frankenstein" is a 6 inch scar on your leg. Also, Ms. Slutty, by the way, it was Frankenstein's monster that was the ugly one, not Frankenstein. Frankenstein was the doctor who created the monster by sewing together dead people. Get it right.

And apparently "Goblin sharks" are the same species as the Great White. Sadly, she said they were "Lamniformes". Which is the Order. Not Species. LEARN YOUR DAMN BINOMIAL NOMENCLATURE, WOMAN! Carolus Linnaeus would be ashamed.

And Woman Who Just Got Engaged was the first to get et, from our collection of intrepid lifeguards... FYI... Although, as she was in the process of getting engaged earlier in the movie, "Well, one of you is fucked" was running through my mind... I hadn't decided whether it was gonna be the husband-to-be, or the lifeguard who was gonna eat it first. Now we know.

You seen Deep Blue Sea? Because some beardy, fat guy just got Samuel Jacksoned.

Apparently Chainsawing a shark is a valid strategy. Seemed to work. I'm kinda surprised.