In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Jason Statham, John Rhys-Davies (2007) As war looms in an idyllic kingdom, a man sets out to rescue his kidnapped wife and avenge their murdered son. Based on the video game "Dungeon Siege."

Syfy Saturday moving from 11/21.

Directed by the ever popular, and ever amazing Uwe Boll. He who is quite possibly the greatest director ever....

Wait...

Looks like this one's gonna be about Jason Statham and Ron Perlman beating the piss out of some ugly dudes.

And it appears that Ray Liotta the evil sorcerer seems to have broken the cardinal rule of Jason Statham movies: Don't fuck with Jason Statham's family. Or random chicks he finds in the trunk of his car. Although, for this movie, its a bit of the former, and not too much of the latter...

And John Rhys-Davies seems to be playing the role of Sorcerer Foreshadowing. And just to let you know who's playing other roles, Burt Reynolds is playing the role of King. Who I am naming "King". I think that "King King" has a certain ring to it.

Also, ArchMagus Foreshadowing's daughter is a whole lot more attractive than ArchMagus Foreshadowing himself.

However, even with the realtively famous people making up the cast of this movie, I've seen better acting from the piece of chicken that was in the soup I had for dinner.

And even though Jason Statham's character's name is Farmer, I'm going to call him "Angry" from now on. Because in this movie, he is playing the generic Jason Statham role, which, if summed up in one word, would be named "Angry".

Also, Kristanna Lokken is significantly more attractive without dreadlocks.

Apparently, the extent of this movie review will consist of me commenting on the relative attractiveness of its female characters.

It appears that Ray Liotta has harnessed the power of the pimp coat to poison King King. Its a darn shame, because I was looking forward to referring to King King incessantly. And to show how off of my game I currently am, it only now just struck me that I should have instead named Burt Reynolds' character Kong.

Also, in completely other news, John Rhys-Davies isn't using a prosthetic for his missing fingertip. Also, I was under the impression that he lost his fingertip in a more badass way, and not actually in the process of changing a van motor... I know he used a prosthetic for the fingertip in his role as Gimli, but I'm not sure about any of his other movies... I'll have to keep a look out for that...

Oh, good! King King/Kong is not in fact dead! That means the ridiculosity can continue! Not dead, but dying. I guess I'll have to capitalize while I have the opportunity.

If you're wondering what a bunch of computer generated soldiers standing in front of a computer generated castle, you should totally watch this movie.

In case you were wondering, it seems that Jason Statham is Burt Reynolds' son. Or maybe Angry is King King/Kong's son. Something like that.

And for some reason, the battle strategy is to send the cavalry right behind the infantry charge. Seems like a ridiculous plan. You'd think that you'd want the cavalry out front, so that they could crash through the front lines of the enemy, and then the infantry could come in behind them, and engage them when they're recovering from the whole "being run over by horses" thing.

In other news, I have finally decided a name for the General-guy. I was originally thinking "Token", because he seems to be one of the only black guys in this movie. But, instead, he shall henceforth be known as Lewis Hamilton. Due to his remarkable resemblance to the 2008 Formula 1 World Champion.

And I'm pretty sure that Angry has decapitated the ugly guy that Ray Liotta is magically controlling 4 or more times... Or at least 4 times that I've counted. And Ron Perlman may have just face-stabbed another... Probably a good thing that Ray Liotta has a seemingly endless pile of schlubs to call upon.

And thus dies King King/Kong. He got arrowed by his nephew. And with his passing, the new king, is none other than King Angry. I wonder if he will be less angry now that he's king. And although he's now king, it seems no one's willing to pony up and let him borrow some armor...

Also, the bad guys are launching some of their own into battle via catapult. Which might make some comical sense if they were just launching into a bunch of the enemy, knocking them down, and then chopping them to bits. But they're actually hitting some of their own guys in the middle of combat. That can't be a good thing, because its taking your own soldiers out of battle...

And just FYI, not more female lead characters have shown up, so I can't really comment on their relative levels of attractiveness.

And now King Angry seems to have decapitated Ray Liotta for real this time, which in turn decapitated all of his schlubs. But I'm not gonna count those, because Angry didn't actually do it himself...

Remarkably not that bad. Granted, it was a terrible film, but it was still sorta fun. If you're expecting high cinema, and acting, and that sort of stuff, don't watch it. But if you're expecting Jason Statham being angry and breaking things, it might be a decent one to watch... Any of his other stuff would probably be better, but this one wasn't downright awful...