The Octagon

Chuck Norris, Karen Carlson (1980) A rich woman needs a retired martial-arts champion to protect her from ninja assassins.

Chuck Norris. Ninja Assassins. 1980. What's not to like? Perhaps the fact that Chuck is rocking just the mustache, and not the iconic full beard... and the fact that he can't act. And the fact that we are exposed to his echoing internal monologues.

Note to self: If getting trained as ninja, don't stand on trap doors. Also, get awesome haircut.

Seriously, though, Chuck. Stop with the internal monologues. Especially the echoing-ness of them. Giving me a freaking headache.

Also, Lee Van Cleef with an earring? Weeeeerd.

The primary lesson this movie has taught me is that ninjas really, really hate Honeydew melons.

And apparently in this movie, even if you are being garroted, you can scream. I thought the whole point of garroting was to be silent. Because it crushed your windpipe or whatever...

Oh! That poor guy's spine. I'm relatively sure he wasn't supposed to get ninja stars in it...

OK, sorry Chuck. I've had all I can take for now. Maybe tomorrow we might have better luck. But not right now...