Octopus II

Michael Reilly Burke, Meredith Morton (2002) After a giant octopus kills his partner, a scuba diver searches for the monster, as it terrorizes New York.

I tried to record this one earlier, but ended up recording the back half of some Christopher Walken movie where he's an angel or something. I figured out what it was back then, but since it was halfway through the movie, I didn't bother watching it.

And strangely enough, I was sort of disappointed that it was the Christopher Walken movie, and not this one. Because this one seems just absurd enough to be completely ridiculous.

Oh, good. This guy's partner is about to retire. He's so gonna die... Actually, he's just transferring out of Harbor Patrol. Still gonna die. And I'm not just saying that because the description of the movie told me he was gonna.

And apparently SCUBA divers communicate with grunts. Rather than hand signals alone.

And this guy figures that if a humongous crane can't stop the gigantic octopus, he can do it by jumping into the water by hisself.

And a scientist just used what is quite obviously an electronic calendar to analyze a sample of octopus goo. The way they tried to disguise it was by making the removing the vertical parts of the number of the middle number of the time. So instead of a 2 or 3 or whatever, it was just 3 horizontal lines between a 5 and a 3 or something.

The mayor of New York in this movie just implied that a Coast Guard cutter is suitable for defending New York Harbor against the Russian Navy. The harbor patrol is sufficient for marauding octopi.

Their plan is, and I quote: "As soon as anyone spots it, you just start shooting. Everyone else follow." That's the best plan ever. Nothing bad can come of a plan that precise and foolproof.

Hmmm. Apparently this movie was released in 2002, but set in 2000. I guess principal filming happened in early 2001, as the twin towers seem to still exist. Because I can't imagine that this movie has a big enough budget to add them back in with CG.

And this octopus doesn't have a beak like most other octopusses that I know of, but instead a mouth with a rather absurd amount of sharp pointy teeth. Oh, and by the way, their plan... uh... not really working, because they're not actually doing it. They just watched the octopus show up, and latch onto one of their buddies.

A major plot point of this, which ends up putting the female lead, and a bunch of kids, stuck in a tunnel is the fact that old people can't drive. Or, rather, that they drive slowly.

Oh, and their plan also apparently involved underwater explosives in very close proximity to tunnels. Which is now causing what appears to be irreparable harm to the tunnel. Which has the aforementioned female lead and horde of childrens inside. Like I said, no harm can come of this amazing plan.

And apparently a small explosive charge attached to a harpoon gun does a lot more damage and causes a lot more concussion than a satchel charge attached to an octopus. Well, actually, both were attached to the octopus when they exploded. But whatever. And they just sent the black guy back into danger to save the old lady's dog. Surprisingly enough, he appears to have survived that potentially lethal task. And by lethal, I mean lethal to a black guy in a movie, and not a white guy in a movie. Thus far, he seems to have defied the odds. Good for him.

And apparently I use the phrase "And apparently" to start off a bunch of my paragraphs. I'm guessing that's because a lot of what I'm telling you about is absurdly improbable.

And if a little kid is stuck in a schoolbus, which happens to be stuck in a tunnel which is collapsing and rapidly filling with water, said little kid won't listen to a police officer telling, or rather yelling, him or her to move to the back of the bus, but instead will wait until the teacher-type person tells him or her to. And I'm pretty sure that's one of the most complicated sentences ever seen by mankind. And I'm probably missing a preposition here or there. But that's OK, because, honestly, no one cares. Or at least I don't, and I'm the one writing this, and anyone else doesn't really have any say in the matter.

Oh, by the way, my English teachers are all probably rolling in their graves, or whatever non-dead people do in the same sort of situation, about my frequent use of the word "And" to start a sentence. And guess what? I don't care.

Intriguing. Black dude seems to have survived the whole tunnel collapse flood adventure. Talk about defying the odds.

And apparently handicapped kids are significantly braver than non-handicapped kids, even when they're performing the exact same tasks under the exact same circumstances.

Oh, and they just reused footage of octopus chunks in 2 separate octopus explosions. Not really sure if it was 2 octopusses, or if the original octopus happened to somehow survive a couple of different explosions (even though they showed octopus chunks flying through the water). My theory is T1000 octopus. Because that means that said octopus will probably be back for another thrilling and exciting sequel.

Octopus III: The Octopussusing. I can't freaking wait... yeah, that's it...