Flu Bird Horror

I'll do my best to keep you up to date on the Sci-Fi Saturday movie.

And by up to date, I mean it'll be a while after the movie airs, but i'll eventually get around to it...

So, the movie starts off with "Sci-Fi Pictures Presents..."

And goes downhill from there.

First thought: These Flu Bird things look more like pterodactyls than actual birds

Oh good. There's a group of criminals that are being rehabilitated or something in the woods by some guy... they are so hyper-fucked its not even funny. So there's Asshole, Slutty Girl, Fro Dude Who Hacked the Pentagon, Blondie McBlonderson, Fat Dude, Thug Kid With Dumb Hat And Lame Pickup Lines, Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl, and Fat Dude again because he's in the woods blindfolded and eating a KitKat.

He seems to have found the worlds only Single Wrapped KitKat. And gotten himself lost by walking in a straight line.
The birds are attacking. Some dude has been et, and Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl has decided the best course of action is to hide under a Picnic Table. and Slutty Girl seems to think a single layer of Nylon in her tent is the best idea. And good god, she screams too damn much...

And Fattyh's KitKat seems to have exploded... or he got et by the birds... I like to think its the exploding KitKat. It makes about as much sense as this movie so far. Or violent reverse diahreeha. Dyareea. Dyherrea. Diyherryea. The shits.

And we've just had a brief introduction to some Park Ranger Guy. I'll name him when we know a little more about him.

So far, Thug Kid with Stupid Hat, Slutty Girl, Fatty, and Dark Mysterious Smoking Girld are the only ones who seem to have survived. Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl seems to be taking charge. Dammit. Fro Guy and Asshole seem to also have survived... And Blondie... Worst Flu Bird attack ever... No wait, Asshole seems to usurped InChargitude... by being an asshole...

The elevations get smaller... that's how you know its a cliff and not some other random damn thing...

Jeep paths are apparently closed to the public... so they can't walk on them... or something...

They're planning on leaving Fatty. Well everyone but Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl... who wasn't smoking. But apparently the producers got bored with those people, so now we're in a hospital...

And Park Ranger Guy is at some autopsy thing with apparently his ex wife or girlfriend or some shit. And they just pulled something out of a wound in the dead guy's neck... and aren't wondering why the fuck he has such a crudely stiched wound in his neck...

And apparently the Ford Flex exists. Or perhaps I should fast forward through the commercials...

And back to Random Crimianls Who We Don't Even Care About, And We Hope They Die.. They're at some abandoned military base... Which I'm guessing is not actually abandonded, and is the origin of the Flu Birds, but we never know... Stupid shit has just happened that I don't feel like relating, as I was busy looking under my couch for stuff... Fro Dude just stole the flare gun from Asshole, and accidentally flare gunned Blondie... who was standing next to explosives, but luckily didn't explode... or unluckily, if you're looking at it from our standpoint... Ah well, onwards deeper into the base, mainly because no one know Blondie's real name... And somehow Asshole got the gun back... even though he's only got one shot...

Back to Park Ranger Guy and Doctor Woman... the thing is apparently... H5N1 variant... a mutant virus... still bloodborne... (which means boning... and that means Slutty Girl is so terrifically screwed).

And apparently Asshole has decided that Fatty is infected by something... I'm not really sure how they decided he was sick... so they're gonna throw him out to distract the birds... But he doesn't get a vote in deciding his own fate...

ANd Doctor Woman just took of her mask while she's still in the same room as Sick Dude. WHo has a really contagious disease... so she's probably fucked too, because its inevitably gonna mutate and become airborne.... And now Park Ranger Dude has got in contact with the Criminal Group. So, now he's on the case, and believes Sick Dude's rambings about birds... So they gave Sick Dude a "Flu Bird Shot"... sorry had to do it...

And apparently Asshole has now become only able to say one syllable words... namely "Give". And now they have picks, axes, and hammers.. And for some reason, they decided to give Fatty a hammer, even though his sole task in this escape plan was bait... ANd now he's dead...

And Fro Dude just commited the ultimate sin: saying "I think we made it". and got clawed by a flu bird for his troubles...

And apparently the Fort their hiding in was built on a gas pocket, which they've been trying to demo for years... Its gonna explode by the end of this movie... because, lets face it, this is a bad sci-fi movie, and everything inevitably explodes in this sort of movie...

And now the Feds have showed up... Doctor Woman made the mistake of calling the CDC, and they've showed up and are quarantining the area. So looks like Park Ranger Dude is stuck in the hospital and can't go save the criminal kids. Or perhaps Kriminal Kids... But luckily, Secret Agent Man With Foreign Accent says he's gonna find them. And he's got authorization to kill whoever he feels like... apparently...

And Stupid Hat Kid, or whatever the hell i called him earlier, just started rapping... terribly, I might add.

Slutty Girl and Asshole are about to start boning... in the forest, so they're likely gonna be dead in short order... and there goes her shirt... and now its back on... apparently slutty girls have magic shirts... and they're running away from the bird..

And now we've apparently entered the artistic portion of the movie, as there is no sound... and now Infected Doctor Chick just got gatted by a security guard for trying to leave the hospital. And turns out she was different from Original Doctor Woman, but was the one who took off her mask, and indeed did get infected... but through being touched by Sick Dude...

And now both the Kriminal Kids and Park Ranger Dude are close together, and are trying to figure out where they are... so they'll probably meet up soon, and i'll have to come up with a new name for their group... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

So, now they've found a house... with Frosted Flakes...

ANd now the soldiers are shooting at some birds in the wood... rather poorly, i might add... And now its just down to one guy, and his pistol, which just ran out of ammo... hes dead now...

And now my brother is playing Lemmings on his Nintendo DS... which is probably more interesting at this point than this movie...

And now fro dude is dying... and Asshole is gonna shoot him due to his illness... By the way, I didn't mention that they found some shotguns when they found the house... And apparently asshole is a "pothead wench"... and somehow Asshole seems to be infected now... but I honestly don't even care... and she burned down her house with her father inside... who apparently would have killed her first...

And now the government's gonna nuke the woods or something... Actually just White Phosphorus... from a helicopter... possibly the same helicopters from Black Swarm or whatever the fuck that was called... but it looks black, rather than gray... and now its a different helicopter... amd seems to be targeting the cabin that the Kriminal Kids are in for some reason...

and their masterful plan is to get meat from a smokehouse and put it in the yard... and shoot the smokehouse with shotguns, because they can't aim for shit... but Sluty Girl seems to be able to shoot... Headshot with the pistol on first try...

And Fro Dude is now sacrificing himself for the good of the group...

And FYI: The flu birds don't actually have feathers... Apparently they're condor derivatives...

Yup, the helicopter totally transmogrified in mid-flight and now has rockt pods... as in ones that shoot rockets, not propulsion...

And now through sheer serendipity, they've met up with Ranger Dude, and they're driving away, and being chased... but not shooting... cuz they is dum...

and apparently shooting repeatedly in the same place is the best course of action for this... and kicking... which is apparently so much better than shooting... and rolling SUVs seems to be a popular course of action too.

And now Homeland Security guy is shooting the cabin that our fearless compatriots just recently vacated... Good god, that's an ugly helicopter... Well, that's what you get for having an ugly helicopter... a bird latches itself onto you, and you crash and explode...

Now they're back to the fort...

And now Mysterious Smoking Girl is volunteering to stay behind and blow it up and the birds too... But Asshole has decided to change his name to Formerly A Complete Asshole, But Trying To Redeem Himself, But I Still Don't Like Him So I'm Gonna Keep Calling Him Asshole. By staying behind to blow up the dynamite... because he's infected... Did I mention that... he got infected in the cabin... somehow... I don't even remember... or care...

And now they're all running away... more running...more running... more running... more running... more running... more running... more running... more running...

and finally some exploding... and the birds have slobbery beaks... can birds even slobber? I have no freaking clue, and really don't care, as this movies about to be done, and I never have to think about it again... And Slutty Girl survived...

And next week's Sci-Fi Saturday movie is Jurrassic Park... Lame... I've seen that one... and its famous... and I won't be reviewing it, mainly because i didn't record it, and by "next week" i actually mean yesterday.

Now let me check to see what's coming on actual next week: Death Tunnel: with Steffany Huckaby and Annie Burgstede (2005). Terror awais five colege women as they spend the night at a haunted Kentucky sanatorium...

Expect that sometime in the future...