Zombie Apocalypse

'11. Survivors seek refuge on an island when zombies take over the world. Starring: Ving Rhames, Taryn Manning.

A film by the Asylum. You know how much we generally loves those sorts of things.

There's a black guy in the first scene with an impressive afro. Unfortunately, as he is a black guy, and in the first scene, he is quite unlikely to survive. Although, his chances are slightly better than they might be, since there is another black guy.

And true enough, it is the other black guy who ends up biting the proverbial dust. I am happy, because that means we get to experience that guy's afro for more of the movie. And they've even added another black guy to the mix. And this one is likely to survive. Or at least survive a pretty significant amount of the movie. Because this one is significantly Ving Rhames-ier than the other.

Guess he had so much fun making the remake of Dawn of the Dead a few years ago that he just couldn't pass this one up. And the remake of Day of the Dead. Which was apparently in the same universe. But he played a completely different character...

Also, it seems that our intrepid survivors have implemented a Pee Buddy system. Or that might just be the females. So we were treated to a random scene of peeing and shy bladder discussing. So, there's that, I guess. Yay.

Also Ving Rhames' weapon of choice is a sledge hammer. Which is amusing. Why is that amusing, you may ask? The answer is, I have no idea. It just is. So, take that.

In other news, you can mess with Ving Rhames. But you can't mess with his horse. Or perhaps "shouldn't" is more accurate than "can't". Apparently zombies killed his horse. He was none too pleased.

Dangit. Now this movie is significantly less worth watching. Because Mr. Afro Guy seems to have been eated. Which just supports my earlier assessments of Ving Rhames' survivability due to his Ving Rhames-ness. Because Fro-do (ah hyuk) didn't even survive half the movie.

And now Ving Rhames is talking about his horse. Again.

Also, this pile of survivors are pretty dang terrible. They're pretty spectacular about attracting shit tons of attention. Although they do seem to be pretty dang amazing shots. Not sure if they've missed yet.

And although Ving Rhames just chainsawed the ever-loving crap out of a zombie, he is completely clean of any blood. In fact, none of them have any blood on them, even though they all have been using very close quarters weapons with lots of blood splatter. Guess it all goes the other directions, and not onto our intrepid adventurers.

And now there's a love sub-plot... Oh good. I guess it is a new one. Since we've already discussed the apparent love sub-plot between Ving Rhames and his now-deceased horse. Oh, dammit. Now it looks like there's a possibility of a third one. This one involves Ving Rhames. But no horse. Unless he has a human horse. Which just opens all sorts of possibilities. That I don't even want to think about it.

But in other news, we have been introduced to a new set of characters. And one of them has a hairstyle which seems very much inspired by Fro-Do's. Even though they never met. Perhaps she just admired Fro-Do from a far. Although, this is less of an afro, and more of of a real-life interpretation of the hair one would expect from your standard Dragonball Z character. Although I can't be certain, as I have never actually seen that show. But I think we all know what I'm talking about.

And back to the previous topic: Looks like the guy who was attempting to initiate love sub-plot #1 has been bit. But, true to every damn zombie movie in existence, he has chosen to hide that fact, and will likely convert to a zombie at the most inconvenient moment, and cause all manner of chaos. But no! He is revealing his bitiness. And offering to act as bait. That's what you get for randomly quoting poetry and literature and culture shit. That, and really wanting to poop. Because that is in fact how he died. Opened a porta-shitter to take a dump, and got ambushed by the zombie inside. But still. He is turning. And the "most inconvenient moment" mentioned earlier is inside a van, while there are a gob of zombies outside. So, close enough.

Also, I am pretty excited for an Asylum movie that I have discovered will be released in 2012. It is called... wait for it!

Drumroll please!

2 Headed Shark Attack.

That should be pretty dang cool.

Also, in The Asylum world, hand grenades are approximately the biggest explosives ever. Or more accurately, make explosions that can be seen from miles away, yet create no crater, and only blow the hood off of a nearby car, without causing any other damage, and also set minor fires. But luckily they're pretty good at zombie killin'.

And now the epic weapon choice of ".50 caliber machine gun mounted on a shopping cart". Which apparently doesn't need to feed any ammo, and also doesn't recoil at all. Even when mounted on a shopping cart. Which has wheels and is super light. Way to go... This would probably be a good time to bust out that picture of Jean-Luc Picard facepalming. Although, does one really require an excuse for such a thing?


Also, you know what every zombie movie needs? Zombie tiger. Giant zombie tiger.

And even though there are still 10 minutes to go, I'm pretty certain that's the best way I can end this post.

Although, for the record, Ving Rhames appears to have used up all his Ving Rhames-related invincibility in the fighting of the tiger. And thus, the horror movie maxim holds true once again:

Black guy(s) die(s).