Titanic II

'10. History threatens to repeat itself during a voyage to commemorate the liner's 100th anniversary. Starring: Bruce Davison, Brooke Burns, Shane Van Dyke, Marie Westbrook, D.C. Douglas, Kendra Sue Waldman. Director: Shane Van Dyke.

Syfy Sunday movie from this past Sunday.

This movie was done by The Asylum. You know how much I love those guys and the work they do...

And, you might remember Bruce Davison as Senator Kelly from X-Men, and from his roles as "that guy" in multitudinous other movies. I guess this movie takes place before X-Men, as he seems to be a colonel in this one, and hasn't yet been elected to the Senate. Or caught a ride on the Battlestar Galactica. Also, in other news, you should totally check out his Wikipedia page. Because the picture is pretty fantastically awkward. And ever so flattering. I'm sure he's glad that's how the lazy-man researcher sees him...

Also, never get on anything named after some fantastic method of transportation that failed miserably. So, if someone offers you an all expense paid trip on the Hindenburg II, don;t do it. Because its gonna blow up.

Also, random beardy guy is my hero. The boat is sinking, and everyone is running around panicking. And he takes time out of his busy schedule to start punching the owner of the boat. Good to know he's got his priorities straight.

Also, I'm pretty sure I know why this boat is gonna sink. They're running through some corridors where the walls are distinctly made of concrete.

But it would appear that beardy's fellow passengers noticed his punchery. Because he just got punched in the face trying to get on an elevator. So, I'm guessing that's the last we're gonna see of him. Although, if he's gonna die on this boat, he might as well die with his proverbial boots on. Punching everyone.

That would be awesome. And making this movie actually worth watching. Because, lets face it. This movie is made by The Asylum. And that means that it stands a very good chance of being a complete and utterly huge pile of crap. Oh, and by the way, it is.

Also, the lifeboats are death traps. Worst. Ship. Ever.

Also, you remember how the original Titanic ended up rubbing its side along an iceberg? Well, in their infinite wisdom, they decided to design its successor so the watertight bulkheads only work in the event of a head-on collision. Way to go doomasses.

And then something blew up. And boat owner man just headbutted a glass case holding a fire ax.

Also, why are they refueling aircraft at altitudes where they can be destroyed by large waves? Unless that wave was a few thousand feet high. Which would mean that not only the Titanic II is fucked.

I'm awarding this movie a subtitle: Titanic II: A Complete Primer on How to Fuck Up Everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

And the tagline is: A bunch of idiots made a crappy boat. And named it after the Titanic. And sailed close to icebergs. What the fuck did you think was gonna happen?

Well, not so much tagline, as series of taglines. Or perhaps summary.

Oh, by the way: they were talking earlier about how things under water would be strongly affected by the tsunami, and stuff on the surface wouldn't be (which turned out to be patently false. Or at least half false). So, the first thing they do is send a submarine to rendezvous with the Titanic II. And the first thing that the sub does is get horribly fucked by said tsunami. If only your experts had told you that was gonna happen...

Or perhaps a new tagline (which is a compete ripoff of Alien): In the ocean no one cares if you die. Because you are dumb. And do dumb things.

Dangit. I apparently really suck at tagline writing. I guess I shouldn't quite my day job.

Also, apparently in Titanic Land, it is perfectly plausible that you are the last person to start climbing a ladder in your group, yet be the first one to reach the top.

And for some reason, the bulkhead slammed shut on Kelly. But left a big enough gap for the dude to get through. Considering the petite female character had a tough time squeezing through the gap, Kelly apparently expanded when she fell into the gap right before it slammed closed and crushed her.

Now they're hearing someone knocking on the ship. Either its someone attempting to get in, or its someone trapped. I'm very much hoping its Beardy McPunchyPants. Because the one who's gonna free him is Boat Owner Dude. So, likely, the first thing that Beardy will do is bunch BOD in the face. In my version of this movie, anyway.

Aw, dangit. Wasn't Beardy... Some other random guy. And he didn't get saved. So there was no punching.

Oh, yes. Hiding in a cabinet will save you from the water that is flooding your sinking boat. Great plan there, chief.

Also, in other news, I think I'm gonna use this movie as justification for not being an aquatic person. Apparently everyone that works in the cruise industry is a freaking moron. As are ship designers... But I guess technically, they work in the cruise industry as well...