Husk

'10. Stranded friends encounter supernatural scarecrows at an isolated farmhouse. Starring: Devon Graye, Wes Chatham, C.J. Thomason, Tammin Sursok, Bean Easter. Director: Brett Simmons.

Syfy Saturday movie from this past Saturday. I don't feel like looking up the date, as all my DVR is telling me is "SAT". So, either it is telling me the movie is shit by pinching the top of the H together, and forgetting one of the letters, or it was recorded on Saturday.

And I can already tell this is gonna be one of those movies where I stop paying attention. Its a horror movie, and I think you all know how much I like those. Also, its about evil scarecrows, so I'm pretty sure I've already seen it, or at least 7 other movies with the exact same plot, ranging from Jeepers Creepers or whatever that was called, to that movie that I watched a little while ago with Norman Reedus. Don't remember if I reviewed it, but it was crap. And there were Blurred Syfy Boobs (tm). And Reedus finding a watch in a field. And some crap about guessing the weight of a bag of corn in order to get said bag of corn for free. But that was a different movie. Which sucked. I'm guessing the suckiness of that movie will approximate the relative sucktocity of this movie's sucktacularity.

Also, Tammin Sursok. No idea if that's a male or female. Or which character that is, but I'm totally rooting for him/her/it. In fact, I'm hoping that Tammin Sursok is not actually a human actor, but a chimpanzee. Which leads me to Fingwallow's First Theorem of Acting, which states that for movies that premiere on cable networks devoted to misspelled Science Fiction and wrestling, a chimpanzee could read the lines more convincingly than 62.3% of the human actors. Which I also just kinda made up. But I think its true. And plus, if you pay said chimpanzees in bananas, you (1) save significant amounts of money, and (2) would probably have a significant amount of leftover banana peels, which you could plant on strategic areas of the set, causing the actors, who we previously proved were worse actors than the chimpanzee, to slip and fall in dramatic and hilarious manners. And it likely wouldn't affect the chimpanzee very much. Because you gotta figure if you eat that many bananas, you're well versed in dealing with surplus peels, and know how to identify them quickly and easily when you see them, thus allowing yourself to avoid them with ease, style, and aplomb.

Not that I actually know what "aplomb" means. But I've always heard the phrase "style and aplomb" used, so I guess they're pretty linked. Also, if I'd just said "with ease and style", you wouldn't have had the opportunity to read the word aplomb. So, in fact, I'm doing you a favor. I might have to come back to that one, once this movie continues its inevitable downward spiral into craptaculariousness.

Also, someone is in the corn, attacking all of the douchebag characters that neither you nor I care about. I think its Tammin Sursok, the scythe-wielding chimpanzee. The reason I'm pretty sure it is Tammin Chimpanzee Sursok is because all of the douchebags keep falling over, making it relatively easy for them to get deathificated by the scythe. Or actually, I think the word I'm looking for is sickle, not scythe. Because its a one-handed sort of douchebag deathifying tool. Whereas a scythe is longer and requires 2 hands to appropriately killage some douchebags. But, back to my original point, the reason that the characters falling down leads me to believe that the killer is a chimpanzee is that you can draw a very clear link from Chimpanzee to Banana to Banana Peel to Slipping and Falling.

So, there you go. And to further prove the theory, the attacker is wearing a scarecrow type mask, and is never on screen for more than a few seconds. So you wouldn't be able to easily tell whether it was human or chimpanzee. See, that's how the director is covering up the fact that he's using a chimpanzee as one of the actors. Because I'm pretty sure the Screen Actors Guild (or perhaps Film) would be quite displeased if they discovered that they were being replaced in their finely honed craft by someone that literally worked for bananas.

Although, after this rant, I have discovered that I should have gone with elephant, rather than chimpanzee, when I made up that theory, and wrote those last few peanuts. Because then the punchline would have been "... by someone that literally worked for peanuts." Which would have been awesome, and a fantastic conclusion to a pretty decently sized rant. But, sadly, hindsight being all 20/20 and all that... And I'm just too dang lazy to go back and change it. Also, I think I had something going on there with the whole banana peels thing. Which wouldn't work nearly as well with peanut shells.

But then again, you might be able to convince a chimpanzee to split its wages between bananas and peanuts. That way, my statement would be true, and you'd still be able to have douchebag slipping hilarity that comes with bananas.

Also, I'm pretty sure that Tammin Chimpanzee Sursok has a dog named Rover. I think its a beagle. But I'm not sure. The reason that I'm not sure is because this dog hasn't appeared on screen, and hasn't even been heard in the movie. I'm just pretty sure that a chimpanzee actor named Tammin Sursok would have a beagle named Rover. Because that's just the most natural thing in the world, don't you think? Because I do. Also, to further teach you about Tammin Sursok's life as a chimpanzee actor, he/she/it rides a T. Rex to work every day. Its name is Wilfred. And I'm still not sure if the chimpanzee actor we've been discussing for the last hour or so is male, female, either, both, a combination, a robot, or something else.

Honestly, I'm kind of hoping robot. Because if Tammin Sursok is in fact a robot, then perhaps I could coin the Dan Corollary to Fingwallow's First Theorem of Acting, which updates the discussion from regular chimpanzee to robotic chimpanzee. And potentially adds the fact that the robotic chimpanzee, in addition to being a better actor, will also be a more sympathetic character. That you will actually care about if it dies, unlike the rest of the douchebags.

Also: Aplomb.

Just had to get that out there again, and let you have the opportunity to hear yourself say it in your head again.

Also, in news completely unrelated to this blog entry, I'm now an hour and 20 minutes into this movie. Holy crap. This movie seems to be flying by. And the reason that I say "completely unrelated" is because it would appear, that despite the fact that the entry contains the title and description of the movie, there is very little else about this movie that I have talked about. Or frankly, will. Because, once again, with a little bit of imagination, you can make anything better. Especially if you are very easily amused.

But, now I feel I've exhausted the whole chimpanzee thing. So, I should probably come up with something else to blog about.

Except for this one last chimpanzee related note: For some reason I haven't used the abbreviation "chimp" at all in this blog. Until that previous sentence. For some reason, I felt compelled to spell out the full name every time.

Although knowing me, if I knew the binomial nomenclature for chimpanzees, I'd probably use that instead. Just to be difficult and annoying.

Also, this blog entry is turning out pretty well. We've got "aplomb", and "binomial nomenclature". Which are both pretty dang fun to say.

And even though I may have exhausted all discussion possibilities of the chimpanzee aspect of this (which clearly I hadn't when I said I had, because I kept going...), I'm pretty sure I haven't gotten anywhere near to plumbing the depths of the whole Wilfred the Tyrannosaurus Rex thing. Because one can never get enough discussion of Tyrannosaurus Rexeseseses. Especially when they're named Wilfred.

Speaking of which, does anyone remember the name of the Tyrannosaurus Rex that I have in my car? The fat, jolly, happy one? Because I, for the life of me, cannot remember his name. The name I thought I chose was obviously not the right one, then. If I had chosen the proper one earlier, I obviously would have remembered it. Because there would have been no question about it being the correct name.

Like, for example, Fitzgerald the Platypus. There is absolutely no question in my mind that the appropriate and proper name for the Platypus that rides on my dashboard is Fitzgerald... Can you think of a better name for a pink platypus with no front legs/arms? Because I'm pretty sure you can't. Even if you think you did or can.

Also, in other news, I'm asking for help to rename the jolly T-Rex that lives in my car. Although, technically that wasn't all that "other" in terms of news. Because I was talking about naming animals in my car. So, it was more of "in related news"... But I'm guessing you probably figured that out by now. Or, if you haven't than I'm surprised that you could comprehend the rest of my blog. Because that was probably one of the most simplest concepts in this entire entry.

Speaking of which, I once had a co-worker who didn't understand much of what I said because of my rather unique use and command of the English language. Which amused me.

Oh, I should probably mention that she was from one of the countries in the former Soviet Union, or Eastern Europe of something, so English was definitely not her first language.

Also, apparently next Saturday's movie is "Iron Invader". And it would appear to have a certain Dr. Carson Beckett as some sort of police officer or sheriff like guy. I am unsure, as instead of the standard tan or green uniform, he appeared to be wearing a dark blue uniform. Which definitely says Police Officer to me more than it does Sheriff. But at some point in the future, you'll probably find out which. Assuming I remember to make mention of it in my review of that movie.

Which, there are, of course, no guarantees. Because there are no guarantees that my review will consist of anything more substantive than the the title and description. Or anything related to the movie at all. Because, like this review, I am often capable of writing reviews with plenty of substance, but very little that is actually related to the topic at hand.

Also, apparently now I've managed to waste about an hour and a half of my time by "watching" this movie, and writing completely inane and random comments that are rather unrelated. Oh, and by the way, the "hour and 20 minutes" into the movie that I was referring to at some point earlier was not actual time elapsed, but DVR time. Counting all the commercials and stuff that I skipped through. Because I know you cared. And were wondering how I managed to type so dang much unrelated text in the space of 10 minutes. Well, now you know how: I didn't.

And with that, I shall go to bed. Because it is late.

And now for the one sentence review. That apparently comes after I have gone to bed. Because that's what my previous paragraph said I was gonna go do. But I actually haven't. In case you hadn't figured it out on your own. Which leads me back to a few paragraphs ago. Where I was subtly insulting your intelligence. Not that I was attempting to insult my former co-worker's intelligence in any way. That was more of a discussion of my awesome manner of speaking and writing, rather than any sort of judgment of her competence. So, anyways:

I would have been better off reading my Kindle.

But if I had done that, then you wouldn't have had the opportunity/joy to be able to suffer through this immense wall of text and illogic.

Can you say that? Illogic? Can you use that word in that sort of way? Oh, wait. Who am I kidding. I can say anything I dang well please, whether or not it actually makes sense (and, often I do just that). So, take that, English Language! You and your teachers can't keep me down. Even though you had 12 years of school to try to bend and break my will. But no! I's makin' my stand hear. I can speaks any danged way I wishes to. Ha!

And with that, I'm really gonna have to leave. Because its getting late, and if I keep this up, it'll just get randomer and randomer. And stupider and stupider.

Plus, I really have to pee.

And after posting this, I'm just going to edit it to add this one word (well actually 30, or 31 if you count contractions as 2 words. And 4 numbers. And some punctuation): Aplomb.