Supernova

Peter Fonda, Luke Perry (2005) Electromagnetic pulses wreak havoc on the Earth following a scientist's secret discovery that the sun will soon explode.

Syfy Saturday movie from 7/3.

Turns out that this movie isn't what it was billed as. Not even the slightest. As its a 2009 movie named "2012: Supernova". By the Asylum. Oh, good. This should be... special...

And in typical Asylum fashion, random things appear to be bulletproof, or bad guys seem to be shooting blanks. And the heroes can steal random vehicles without any sort of repercussion. Who leaves tractor trailers unlocked and with the keys in them? While they're no where nearby.

And some guy working on Operation Launch Nukes Into Space And Then Detonate Them Somewhere Above The Atmosphere To Do Something Ridiculous With The Earth's Magnetic Field, And Somehow Prevent The Earth's Destruction From The Tubular Supernova Radiation, That's Supposed To Blow Up The World, Or Some Similar Shit (Operation LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS for short) just asked the leader about some random eventuality that's highly unlikely. Captain LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS responded with the ever comforting "Lets just hope that doesn't happen, then." It is so gonna happen. Probably right around the middle of the movie. And I will laugh. And mock the people who are being affected.

And apparently a pilot also working on Operation LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS has a British accent, even though the flag on her flight suit is American.

Also, prediction! These agents (who I haven't mentioned, and won't unless this prediction come true) are not actually agents, but are instead agents of the baddies come to take Captain LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS's family for some ridiculous and nefarious plan that probably has a longer acronym than the one that I keep typing.

Or they could just get obliterated with a giant boulder while I'm typing that last sentence. Yeah, that seems more likely. Especially because it just kinda happened.

Oh, and Captain LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS's real name is actually Professor Kelvin. Captain Professor Kelvin LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS. That has got to be quite possibly the longest and most convoluted character name ever. Must be a bitch for him to fill out those forms where you have to put in your name filling in those bubble things with a #2 pencil. Scan-tron or whatever. Dude's gotta run out of room an damn near all of them.

And for those of you keeping track at home, this is not one of those names that amuse me so greatly that I'm going to plan to name any of my children using it. I may attempt to name other peoples children with this, but I'm unsure how well that'll work out. Also, there are probably some pronunciation issues with "LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS".

Also, you may want to be more consistent with your CG there, The Asylum. They just showed some footage of the Space Shuttle carrying some nukes into orbit, which I have named Sir Nukes-A-Lot (He likes big bombs, and he cannot lie). The "footage" of the shuttle showed it jettison the 2 auxiliary booster rockets. And then Team LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS were watching footage of the shuttle that still had the auxiliary boosters attached.

And Pluto just became not a planet. In that Supernova blew it up. I have decided that I'm going to follow Baldy Mustacheovski's fantastic idea of referring to Supernova as a character, rather than referring to the effects or radiation of the supernova. And doing so with a Russian Accent. Don't worry, Pluto. I still love you. Even though Supernova doesn't.

And I originally thought that Baldy was played by the bald lawyer guy from Scrubs (Ted?), and that made me happy. And then I realized this wasn't the case. And then I was back to my previous state of complete and utter apathy.

And Team LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS's security guy seems to be of the "Close the gate after the horse has already left the pasture" school of security. But since this is an asylum movie, it would seem that this is likely to catch the bad guy. Even though its probably Security Guy himself.

The main supernova blast is now passing your anus.

Also, it would appear that The Asylum hired a stunt driver for this movie. Whose sole skill is driving SUVs off-road. Or more accurately in the dirt areas on either side of the roads. Case and Point: A car looses control on a 2 lane road in front of Captain LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS's wife and kid. It swerves a bit right, and then mainly left. And ends up going off the road on the left. Stunt Driver! (yes, that's his name, "Stunt Driver!". With the exclamation point) decides that the only way he can safely pass this out of control vehicle is to go even further off the road to the left. Rather than using the wonderfully clear road in front of him.

And it would appear that the U.S. Government is building the beginning stages of Deep Space Nine. No sign of Quark yet. Also, no bad-ass, bald, black guy. So, they haven't yet filled the billet of Station Commander yet. Haven't seen Ben Sisko yet.

And you remember that thing? The thing which "hopefully shouldn't happen" or whatever? Yup. Totally just happened. And its just about half-way through the movie. Damn, I'm awesome.

And it would appear the the relatively ineffectual security guy has continued his tenure of uselessness. By getting his neck broke by some guy wearing a really dumb looking ski mask/goggle combo. Which, I guess means that my prediction of him turning out to be the baddy was wrong. Unless he was significantly less useless than I ever imagined, and was actually able to doppelganger-ify himself and break his own neck, beat up Captain LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS, and screw around on the good Captain's computer for a while. For no apparent reason. Or at least no reason that was apparent to someone who's not really paying attention to the movie, except to just sorta make smart ass comments. (That's me, in case you were wondering).

Also, I liked about the lack of black guys. Well, not really. Because I mentioned bad-ass, bald, black guys. Not just regular black guys. Because they've got one of those guys in this movie. But, I have to say, not as bad-ass as Ben Sisko. Which seems to be the ruler by which I am judging candidates' baldness and bad-assness.

Also, I can honestly say that when I started this review, I never would have thought I'd end up rambling about Star Trek.

And Jupiter's moons just got blowed up. No word on Jupiter yet. Or Neptune or Saturn. But, I guess those two could be on the other side of the solar system at this point.

Also, it would seem that Stunt Driver! has now branched out into pickup trucks as well. Good for him. Quite the promotion. Although he does seem to have better luck with the pickup trucks, as whenever he did his off-road SUV thing, the characters always got a flat tire. OK, scratch that. The Pickup Truck just got a telephone pole falled on it.

Also, way to go Asylum clowns. There's a tornado outside of this house. The curtains inside the house (with absolutely no glass) were just idly flapping in the breeze.

Also, they seem to have adopted the basic standard of portraying earthquakes. "Everyone, quick! Pretend the ground is shaking!" And then everyone randomly sways back and forth, and they shake the camera a bit. And if you actually pay attention, you can tell that none of the characters are actually swaying in the same direction.

So, apparently NASA engineers are spectacularly lazy. Captain LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS was all like "Dude. We gotta launch the shuttle manually (being that its all brokified) or else we're all gonna die". And the NASA guy responded with "But its so hard. Do you have any idea how many variables are involved?" And then the Captain was all "Dude! All. Gonna. Die. What the hell part of that don't you understand?" And NASA continued to whine about how hard it was. Granted, this was pretty paraphrased, but I feel that I captured the gist of it. And added significantly more awesomeness.

Also, the Captain may have just yelled "Shift your bacon!" Maybe, maybe not. We'll never know. I like to think that this was the primary thing on his mind during a rather dicey space shuttle launch. Sadly, I already used my Sir Nukes-A-Lot joke. Don't got no others.

I just remembered that idea I had a while ago. The one where random folks just wander on screen in the middle of bad sci fi movies, yell "Well, you's fucked now!" at the main characters, and then wander off again. Because that would make these significantly more exciting.

Also, I think that I've expanded my heterosexual man-crush list to include Colin Ferguson. Just thought you should know.

And true to form Captain LNISATDTSATATDSRWTEMFASPTEDFTTSRTSTBUTWOSSS went down with the ship. Or more accurately, down with Deep Space Nuke Nine. Or maybe he launched in an escape pod at the last second. Unsure. He muttered something at the last second. But then a green thing launched from the station.

Well, I guess he did. Because he survived.

But, on the plus side, that means the movie's over. And I can stop paying attention to this shit. Or at least it'll be over when this long-ass closing monologue finally finishes. Dude. Seriously. Shut up.

Oh thank goodness.