Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

'13. A DEA agent and a band of outlaws battle bloodsucking creatures at the Alamo. Starring: Erik Estrada, Julia Benson, Zak Santiago.

Syfy Saturday Movie from 3/23.

Was planning on ignoring this one quite supremely.

But then dude just got his dick bit off by a chupacabra.

Or what I can only assume is a chupacabra.  Mainly because I have no idea what one of those is.  But this movie seems to think that they're just nekkid dogs.

And if a dude gettin' his dong bit off by a ugly-ass nekkid dog didn't warrant commenting, then I don't really know what does.

Also, Erik Estrada hasn't aged well.  Not that I had any idea who or why he was famous.  Upon doing some Wikipedia searching, that would explain why they have him riding a motorcycle everywhere.  Including in front of a lot of green screens.

Yup.  Just skinny, nekkid dogs.  Skinny, nekkid, poorly CGed dogs.  Not really all that monstericious.

Also, no Alamo yet.

"You are officially off the field".  I think "out of" would be a better choice of terminology when pulling your agents out of the field.

"Dad, they're outside the house." (In reference to the nekkid dogs outside)
"Can you get out?"

Uh.  Why would you want to get out?  That's where they are.

That's the spirit, Cleavage. (Also known as Erik Estrada's daughter)  You use that electric carving knife on that chupacabra.  And throw that one in the microwave.  Well played.

But then your dad is just gonna one up you by jumping his motorcycle over a small construction site like it ain't no thang.

Also, I just realized. They're not just ugly, nekkid, poorly CGed dogs, they are in fact ugly, nekkid, poorly CGed dogs that look the that annoying Taco Bell dog.  Thank goodness they got rid of that thing.  Although they may not have.  Since I don't remember seeing a Taco Bell commercial in quite some time.

Also, Estrada's son has a really dumb haircut. And even worse trigger discipline.

Although, it really seems that everyone does.  Except the occasional SWAT guy.  By which I mean one shot of the SWAT guys.  In the next they were being terrible again.  But Estrada's Sidekick Female Agent Lady seems to be doing pretty well for it.

And now with a half hour to go, they're finally at the Alamo.  Since this shitball is named Chupacabra vs. the Alamo, I can only hope that the Alamo becomes sentient and fights the chupacabras itself.  Rather than relying on our rather awful set of protagonists.

Random "Now that's a knoife" Crocodile Dundee reference.

And I think I've figured out how the few Americans/Texans could hold off a gob o' Mexicans at the Alamo the first time. The characters in this movie took a bunch of relics from the museum, and have managed to rapid fire them.  Did I mention that these relics are muzzle loaders?  Because I probably should have.  These guys gots some talents.

Unfortunately Estrada and his terribly haircutted son blew up the Alamo.  Which was relatively disappointing.

Well, that was horrendous.