Almighty Thor

'11. The young hero, Thor, protects the Earth from Armageddon after Loki destroys Valhalla. Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Kevin Nash, Patricia Velasquez, Jess Allen, Chris Ivan Cevic. Director: Christopher Ray.

Syfy Saturday movie from this past Saturday.

In case you were wondering, this is in fact made by The Asylum. If you didn't figure that out by yourself, you really should have. A movie that has a similar title, and nominally a similar plot to a famous movie that just came out. Who else could it be.

Also, the Thor in this movie is a gigantic wiener. Super Gigantic!

In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna talk about this movie any more. Because it is shit.

On the other hand, the movie named "Thor", without all this "Almighty" B.S. is a pretty dang fantastic movie. Tis a shame that I am watching this movie, instead of watching that one again.

The thing with Thor that made it really good was that the guy playing Thor (Chris Hemsworth, or whatever) really seemed to enjoy playing and being Thor. Whereas Cody Deal, from this crappy version, is just a whiny little jerk.

So, in case you haven't seen Thor, you really should. I really enjoyed that movie. Its up there with Iron Man as an enjoyable movie, with a believable lead character, and the appropriate amount of comedy.

Also, it has Natalie Portman in it. And she's hot. Also, she's significantly more attractive in Thor, as compared to Black Swan, even though she remains fully clothed throughout the movie. Mainly because she's not bat-shit insane in Thor.

OK, I lied. Thor just pulled an Uzi out of nowhere and just started shooting Loki. Not entirely sure where he got it from... This movie is weird. And sooper dum.

Also, Loki somehow managed to kill Odin while Odin was wielding the "Hammer of Invincibility". Not Mjolnir, but the Hammer of Invincibility... And the Hammer of Invincibility doesn't seem to bestow any sort of invincibility on the bearer. Making it seemingly rather mis-named.

In addition, its a wonder that there is any scenery left for them to have on-screen, due to the large amount of scenery chewing that the actors are doing. And by "the actors", I mean "all of the actors in this entire damn movie. Every freaking one". Although, they are kinda bipolar. In that they seem to enjoy randomly switching between overacting in a ridiculous fashion, to just reading their lines without any sort of expression, in a very monotone voice. Except for Thor. Who just overacts. And whines. And in between whining, he just whines even more.

And you know what this movie is lacking? Awesome Loki hats. Because Loki from the movie Thor, and I imagine from the comics, had all sorts of a wonderful hat. With gigantic horns and all that.

Also, in other news, I find it hard to think of these Norse gods without thinking of little gray aliens. That don't wear pants.

Another thing: I was thinking that the Thor movie would be a fantastic movie to have Peter Stormare play a large role. Alas, he did not. But they did get Stellan Skarsgård to play a pretty big role, so there was appropriate awesome-Swedish-person representation. He isn't as awesome as Peter Stormare, but pretty dang awesome himself.

And perhaps this hammer that Thor has just forged with his bare hands is Mjolnir. Whatever it was, even though Loki was wielding the Hammer of Invincibility, he just got his ass beat pretty handily. More like Hammer of Intense Wieneritude. And I do mean intense. Hardly a higher concentration of wieneritude has been seen...

Also, I think I recognize some of these stock footage shots of destruction from other The Asylum productions. Can't remember the name of the movie exactly, but it was the one with the annoying preacher guy who ended up getting struck by lightning...

Also, I have just learned that Stellan Skarsgård is going to play Martin Vanger in the upcoming The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie. Which will be amazing, because he should play that role perfectly. Oh, damn. And James Bond is gonna play Mikael Blomkvist. That is gonna be a pretty fantastic cast.