Jules Verne's Mysterious Island

Kyle Maclachlan, Patrick Stewart (2005) Refugees from the Civil War escape to an island populated by giant beasts and the infamous Captain Nemo. Based on the novel by Jules Verne.

Syfy Saturday movie from 8/14.

Any movie that starts with a monologue from Jean-Luc Picard can't be bad, can it? Even though it doesn't mention space, or frontiers, final or otherwise.

So, they escape from a Civil War prisoner camp in an observation balloon. And then they crash on the island. But, for some reason, there's not actually a balloon when they crash, just the basket. Also, quite ridiculously bad green screen work.

And its got Gabrielle Anwar in it. Also known as Fiona from Burn Notice.

And apparently this island is in the south Pacific. And the balloon took off from somewhere near Richmond, I think. And got some holes shot into it on the escape. World's most resilient, fastest balloon.

Looks like Jean-Luc is playing the role of Captain Nemo in this. Good to know that he didn't get demoted for this. Also, perhaps we now know what Captain Nemo's first name is. Or names.

And Vinnie Jones has just showed up as a Pirate.

And what this movie has taught me, is that the Confederates in the Civil War had awesome mustaches.

Also, giant ants seem to be averse to fire enemas. OK. Scratch that. They seem to be averse to being blunderbussed in the butt by Captain Picard-Nemo. Or micro-cannoned. Or rocket-launchered. You know, I think i'm gonna stick with blunderbussed. Because it is the funnest to say.

Also, it would appear that on Mysterious Island, grappling hooks can defy the laws of physics. Although, potentially only when catapulted using crashed balloon remnants.

So, if you ever wanted to see Jean-Luc Picard wearing a turban, this is definitely the movie for you.

Also it would appear that this coming Saturday's Syfy Saturday Movie stars none other than Colin "Sheriff Carter" Ferguson. I'm a little excited. Probably gonna suck, but has an awesome star.

Also, it would appear that this female character has the most voluminous spittle ever. Or some of her pirate captors were also annoyed with Captain Bullet Tooth Tony, and joined in the simultaneous spitting in his face. Figuring they could blame it on her...

Also, highly amused by the fact that the main character decided to wait for the pirate to turn around before bashing him on the head with the cask of rum. Or whatever that cask contained. Mainly, I just wanted to use the term cask. And honestly, do pirate ships even carry casks of things other than rum? I would posit that they don't.

And now there's some swashbuckling swordfighting. And guys swinging around on the rigging of the pirate ship kicking people.

And for some reason, the pirate ship has a gigantic door in the back. All the better to escape with, my dear. Apparently.

Also, apparently no one on the pirate ship, other than Captain Vinnie is competent enough to shoot rifles. So they just hand them to Mr. Jones, and he shoots. Seems pretty inefficient, especially if you've got multiple guns loaded, and your targets are rapidly rowing out of range.

Captain Jean-Luc's henchman, Joseph, has some massive ears. And now the pirates have done shotted him. Captain Nemo's probably gonna fuck their shit up now.

But, that'll have to wait. As I really have to piss. And I mean, a lot.

And now, randomly, there's an octomopus. Or maybe squid. Whatever it is, its gigantic. And eatin' some pirates.

It would appear that Nemo's Revengin' Turban is a maroon one. Rather than his standard black one. Or, that would be my assumption, as the maroon turban is currently his Talkin' To His Dyin' Henchman turban. Which I'm assuming will shortly transition to his Revengin' Turban. Because Joseph Big-Ears just kicked the proverbial bucket.

I'm assuming he's gonna be wearing the Revengin' Turban for the epic, climactic Nautilus vs. Pirate Ship battle.

Or not. As it would appear that Nemo's just gonna go ahead and blunderbuss the shit out of the pirate ship. (Wearing his maroon Revengin' Turban, you will notice)

Great Green Gobs of Gooey Gopher Guts! Er... Spider Guts... Doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?

Also, the Revengin' Turban seems to be able to pull double duty as a Mournin' Turban as well.

And this version of the Nautilus is really small, and flimsy. And really prone to exploding and breaking for no apparent reason. Or more accurately, it seems that it goes to shit, if the world around it goes to shit, even without direct effects. For example, the island has a volcano going on, and even though none of the rocks or lava or anything have actually hit the Nautilus, its exploding, and sparking, and falling apart.

Also, it looks like the island where they were stranded had some pretty good climbing on it. But, it'd probably be pretty tough to climb on, what with the geography suddenly shifting for no apparent reason. Or, more accurately, because the director of the movie forgot which end of the island the volcano was on. Or randomly decided to use a mirror-imaged shot...

Well, that's 4 TV hours of my life that I'll never get back...