Flu Bird Horror

I'll do my best to keep you up to date on the Sci-Fi Saturday movie.

And by up to date, I mean it'll be a while after the movie airs, but i'll eventually get around to it...

So, the movie starts off with "Sci-Fi Pictures Presents..."

And goes downhill from there.

First thought: These Flu Bird things look more like pterodactyls than actual birds

Oh good. There's a group of criminals that are being rehabilitated or something in the woods by some guy... they are so hyper-fucked its not even funny. So there's Asshole, Slutty Girl, Fro Dude Who Hacked the Pentagon, Blondie McBlonderson, Fat Dude, Thug Kid With Dumb Hat And Lame Pickup Lines, Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl, and Fat Dude again because he's in the woods blindfolded and eating a KitKat.

He seems to have found the worlds only Single Wrapped KitKat. And gotten himself lost by walking in a straight line.
The birds are attacking. Some dude has been et, and Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl has decided the best course of action is to hide under a Picnic Table. and Slutty Girl seems to think a single layer of Nylon in her tent is the best idea. And good god, she screams too damn much...

And Fattyh's KitKat seems to have exploded... or he got et by the birds... I like to think its the exploding KitKat. It makes about as much sense as this movie so far. Or violent reverse diahreeha. Dyareea. Dyherrea. Diyherryea. The shits.

And we've just had a brief introduction to some Park Ranger Guy. I'll name him when we know a little more about him.

So far, Thug Kid with Stupid Hat, Slutty Girl, Fatty, and Dark Mysterious Smoking Girld are the only ones who seem to have survived. Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl seems to be taking charge. Dammit. Fro Guy and Asshole seem to also have survived... And Blondie... Worst Flu Bird attack ever... No wait, Asshole seems to usurped InChargitude... by being an asshole...

The elevations get smaller... that's how you know its a cliff and not some other random damn thing...

Jeep paths are apparently closed to the public... so they can't walk on them... or something...

They're planning on leaving Fatty. Well everyone but Dark Mysterious Smoking Girl... who wasn't smoking. But apparently the producers got bored with those people, so now we're in a hospital...

And Park Ranger Guy is at some autopsy thing with apparently his ex wife or girlfriend or some shit. And they just pulled something out of a wound in the dead guy's neck... and aren't wondering why the fuck he has such a crudely stiched wound in his neck...

And apparently the Ford Flex exists. Or perhaps I should fast forward through the commercials...

And back to Random Crimianls Who We Don't Even Care About, And We Hope They Die.. They're at some abandoned military base... Which I'm guessing is not actually abandonded, and is the origin of the Flu Birds, but we never know... Stupid shit has just happened that I don't feel like relating, as I was busy looking under my couch for stuff... Fro Dude just stole the flare gun from Asshole, and accidentally flare gunned Blondie... who was standing next to explosives, but luckily didn't explode... or unluckily, if you're looking at it from our standpoint... Ah well, onwards deeper into the base, mainly because no one know Blondie's real name... And somehow Asshole got the gun back... even though he's only got one shot...

Back to Park Ranger Guy and Doctor Woman... the thing is apparently... H5N1 variant... a mutant virus... still bloodborne... (which means boning... and that means Slutty Girl is so terrifically screwed).

And apparently Asshole has decided that Fatty is infected by something... I'm not really sure how they decided he was sick... so they're gonna throw him out to distract the birds... But he doesn't get a vote in deciding his own fate...

ANd Doctor Woman just took of her mask while she's still in the same room as Sick Dude. WHo has a really contagious disease... so she's probably fucked too, because its inevitably gonna mutate and become airborne.... And now Park Ranger Dude has got in contact with the Criminal Group. So, now he's on the case, and believes Sick Dude's rambings about birds... So they gave Sick Dude a "Flu Bird Shot"... sorry had to do it...

And apparently Asshole has now become only able to say one syllable words... namely "Give". And now they have picks, axes, and hammers.. And for some reason, they decided to give Fatty a hammer, even though his sole task in this escape plan was bait... ANd now he's dead...

And Fro Dude just commited the ultimate sin: saying "I think we made it". and got clawed by a flu bird for his troubles...

And apparently the Fort their hiding in was built on a gas pocket, which they've been trying to demo for years... Its gonna explode by the end of this movie... because, lets face it, this is a bad sci-fi movie, and everything inevitably explodes in this sort of movie...

And now the Feds have showed up... Doctor Woman made the mistake of calling the CDC, and they've showed up and are quarantining the area. So looks like Park Ranger Dude is stuck in the hospital and can't go save the criminal kids. Or perhaps Kriminal Kids... But luckily, Secret Agent Man With Foreign Accent says he's gonna find them. And he's got authorization to kill whoever he feels like... apparently...

And Stupid Hat Kid, or whatever the hell i called him earlier, just started rapping... terribly, I might add.

Slutty Girl and Asshole are about to start boning... in the forest, so they're likely gonna be dead in short order... and there goes her shirt... and now its back on... apparently slutty girls have magic shirts... and they're running away from the bird..

And now we've apparently entered the artistic portion of the movie, as there is no sound... and now Infected Doctor Chick just got gatted by a security guard for trying to leave the hospital. And turns out she was different from Original Doctor Woman, but was the one who took off her mask, and indeed did get infected... but through being touched by Sick Dude...

And now both the Kriminal Kids and Park Ranger Dude are close together, and are trying to figure out where they are... so they'll probably meet up soon, and i'll have to come up with a new name for their group... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

So, now they've found a house... with Frosted Flakes...

ANd now the soldiers are shooting at some birds in the wood... rather poorly, i might add... And now its just down to one guy, and his pistol, which just ran out of ammo... hes dead now...

And now my brother is playing Lemmings on his Nintendo DS... which is probably more interesting at this point than this movie...

And now fro dude is dying... and Asshole is gonna shoot him due to his illness... By the way, I didn't mention that they found some shotguns when they found the house... And apparently asshole is a "pothead wench"... and somehow Asshole seems to be infected now... but I honestly don't even care... and she burned down her house with her father inside... who apparently would have killed her first...

And now the government's gonna nuke the woods or something... Actually just White Phosphorus... from a helicopter... possibly the same helicopters from Black Swarm or whatever the fuck that was called... but it looks black, rather than gray... and now its a different helicopter... amd seems to be targeting the cabin that the Kriminal Kids are in for some reason...

and their masterful plan is to get meat from a smokehouse and put it in the yard... and shoot the smokehouse with shotguns, because they can't aim for shit... but Sluty Girl seems to be able to shoot... Headshot with the pistol on first try...

And Fro Dude is now sacrificing himself for the good of the group...

And FYI: The flu birds don't actually have feathers... Apparently they're condor derivatives...

Yup, the helicopter totally transmogrified in mid-flight and now has rockt pods... as in ones that shoot rockets, not propulsion...

And now through sheer serendipity, they've met up with Ranger Dude, and they're driving away, and being chased... but not shooting... cuz they is dum...

and apparently shooting repeatedly in the same place is the best course of action for this... and kicking... which is apparently so much better than shooting... and rolling SUVs seems to be a popular course of action too.

And now Homeland Security guy is shooting the cabin that our fearless compatriots just recently vacated... Good god, that's an ugly helicopter... Well, that's what you get for having an ugly helicopter... a bird latches itself onto you, and you crash and explode...

Now they're back to the fort...

And now Mysterious Smoking Girl is volunteering to stay behind and blow it up and the birds too... But Asshole has decided to change his name to Formerly A Complete Asshole, But Trying To Redeem Himself, But I Still Don't Like Him So I'm Gonna Keep Calling Him Asshole. By staying behind to blow up the dynamite... because he's infected... Did I mention that... he got infected in the cabin... somehow... I don't even remember... or care...

And now they're all running away... more running...more running... more running... more running... more running... more running... more running... more running...

and finally some exploding... and the birds have slobbery beaks... can birds even slobber? I have no freaking clue, and really don't care, as this movies about to be done, and I never have to think about it again... And Slutty Girl survived...

And next week's Sci-Fi Saturday movie is Jurrassic Park... Lame... I've seen that one... and its famous... and I won't be reviewing it, mainly because i didn't record it, and by "next week" i actually mean yesterday.

Now let me check to see what's coming on actual next week: Death Tunnel: with Steffany Huckaby and Annie Burgstede (2005). Terror awais five colege women as they spend the night at a haunted Kentucky sanatorium...

Expect that sometime in the future...

Explanation

Just in case you were wondering, I've now got a laptop that lives on my couch. So I can watch bad sci-fi and blog at the same time.

So, you may have noticed that I'm pondering things in the middle of my post, only to have an answer in the very next sentence. In case it wasn't immediately apparent, I'm going back to previous paragraphs and updating them with relevant information (assuming the 2 scenes in question are relatively close together). So that way it should make a little more sense.

Although it probably would give you a better idea of the randomness that is a bad sci-fi movie if I just talked about it as it happened. Ah well. I'll figure it out.

Larva

So, the sci-fi movie that I'm watching right now is Larva.

Basically some little parasite things are infesting cows due to some company's cattle feed. and now its somehow infecting humans...

I'm about halfway through at this point, and a larva thing just exploded out of some dude's stomach. and after being off screen for a little bit, it managed to grow to about twice the size of a person... and there was still plenty of dude left after the thing exploded out of his tummy..

And now we've entered the inevitable "Prowl around the place looking for the critter while it kills random people we don't even care about" phase of the movie... The scene just changed to some dude in the morgue of the hospital... i'm pretty well sure he's fucked, as we've never seen him before... and he probably won't survive another few minutes...

Actually, he just survived his opening scene... things are looking up for Doctor Red Shirt... and as I type this, he just got et by the critter... I was really pulling for him after he managed to get off screen without dying... But alas, he lived up to his name...

So, now the Vet (who was disgraced previously for some reason that I don't even remember, or much are about) and Hairy Farmer Dude (who was initially hostile to Vet) are now prowling the halls of the hospital looking for the critter... as the name of the phase of the movie seems to imply...

And Vet just shot the critter that was laying on top of Hairy Farmer Dude with a pistol. And everything up until now has seemed to be pretty much a sack of goo... so somehow this sack of goo just stopped a bullet from going into Hairy Farmer Dude. Either a crappy gun, or some very reslient goo...

And now for a brief interlude of typing the previous paragraph: Evil Corporation Dude is eating dinner with his family, and making lots of strange noises... I really don't understand...

Oh great... now Evil Corporation Dude's assisstant has joined forces with Vet and Hairy Farmer Dude in an attempt to slay the evil beasties... And she's playing the role of "token attractive woman with an accent"

And now for the inevitable nekkidness... infected dude is making out with some chick, and just got her bra off before exploding a thing out of his gut... and she managed to get her bra back on before running out of the car away from the critter.

And since I haven't actually told you what the "plot" is, I should probably tell you now... The corporation run by Evil Corporation Dude has been giving feed to local farmers that has been laced with some sort of drugs that are supposed to help the cattle in some way, but are instead making the parasites crazy...

And Hairy Farmer Dude just happens to have a "Basement O' Guns". Glad they ended up teaming up with that guy...

But so does Evil Corporation Guy... Although it looks like he's got a collection of shotguns that he could choose from. So he chose the break-open double barrel, rather than a pump action... I guess he's figuring that he's so awesome he only needs 2 shots to stave off the incoming horde of critters. Or he's resigned to the fact that he's the villain, and thus is fucked no matter how many shells he has loaded...

I wonder if in some alternate universe, he doesn't have a goatee, and is thus known by his peers as Benevolent Coproration Dude...

ANd apparently i haven't been paying nearly enough attention, because now the good guys are driving a tanker truck around, spewing what is likely some sort of flammable liquid... Or maybe its actually fertilizer... becuase they made some reference to the parasites being attracted to it. Well, if I'd just waited a while, I would have noticed that the truck says "Fertilizer" on the back... So basically, the dude is driving around spreading shit around this small time... Which leads me now to wonder why their connecting their Fertilizer truck to the sewer....

And as I ponder that last thing, Evil Corporation dude just bought it... As my brother says: "Om Nom Nom Nom".

Oh yeah.. they seem to be relying on fertilizer's explosive qualities, rather than its shit-like qualities... Yup. they blew up all the critters... and I think I can frankly say: I don't even care.

So, now it looks like there's gonna be some sort of romantic postlude... But no, it just ended with a shot of Evil Corporation Dude's Assisstant's crotch as she lays in a hospital bed... I really don't understand...

Um. Yeah...

So, I've been kinda busy lately, and haven't watched any bad sci-fi...

But, I heart Bear Grylls.

And expect a stream of consciousness post when I get around to watching "Flu Bird Horror". I'm excited.

Laptop and Hat

I now have a laptop. And a new fedora.

So, expect some more updates while i watch bad sci-fi.

And I really have to pee.

Marabunta

You know what makes a really terrible villain for a bad Sci-Fi movies?

Ants.

That's right, ants. Picture that one MacGyver episode in South America, only this time, about 2 times as long, in Alaska, about 2 times less good, and about 52,000 times less mullet.

You just can't make ants scary... especially with the bad CG that they use on these movies... plus, you probably shouldn't reuse the same shot of ants walking over something, trying to give the impression of the relentless advance of the ants. Because it looks like they're just covering the same ground (which in fact they are), and are making no progress at all...

Anyways, this movie had Colonel Caldwell as the local sheriff, but he was significantly less crotchety, and thus significantly less cool.

At some point near the end of the movie, the characters have to rappel down a cliff, get some dynamite, and then climb back up. Things were looking good, as the guy seemed to actually set up his gear right, and rappel properly. But then the ascent kinda went wrong. Instead of climbing, they decided to use the winch of the Jeep to pull them up. So, the chick went first, and of course made it up safe. But when it was the dude's turn, the Jeep started to act up, and thus the winch wouldn't work. So, the dude was stuck at the bottom of the cliff, with ants relentlessly advancing. So instead of climbing, he decides that the best course of action would be to yell at the guys at the top like a little bitch, wondering why they aren't pulling him up. I almost hoped he got et.

And then there was the obligatory Bad Sci-Fi Ending Shot Where The Creature That You Thought Had Been Eradicated, And Thus Providing A Happy Ending, Is In Fact Still Alive shot, as the queen ant crawls out of the river.

So, all in all, I wasn't sure who to root for in this movie. The human characters were all crappy and whiny, and the ants were, well, ants, and therefore crappy.

I'm speechless

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/08/22/obese.woman.ap/index.html

Good lord... 1000 pound woman...

That's really all there is to say about that...