Swamp Shark

'11. A monstrous, mutated shark wreaks havoc on the Mississippi River. Starring: Kristy Swanson, D.B. Sweeney, Robert Davi.

Syfy Saturday movie from 6/25.

Starring everyone's favorite Stargate Atlantis villain Acastus Kolya as the seemingly evil sheriff type guy.

"...a defensive line. man. from the New York Giants." I believe "lineman" is one word, not two separate sentences.

In other news Kolya seems to be the seemingly evil sheriff type guy who apparently has time to change shirts multiple times between sheriffin'. And I was gonna say something else, but completely forgot. Because that's how I roll.

Also, if a giant shark, that has an entire movie that you are starring in named after it, is approaching you at night while you've just fallen on a pier while wearing your night-clothes, and you're armed with a hunting rifle, where would you aim? Because if you are the person in this movie, apparently the popular choice is to aim for the dorsal fin. Because, as we all learned from Jaws, the true power of a shark is the dorsal fin when it breaks the surface of the water. How else would it build suspense. Also, that's probably what holds the speaker that plays the ominous music. Although this shark didn't play said ominous music. Probably because it is a swamp shark, rather than a great white.

Yeah, tubby, smart, asian guy. Looks to be he'll be the star of movie. Him and mysterious stranger dude. And tubby, smart, asian guy will probably win the love of Ms. Decides It Is A Good Idea To Shoot At Shark Fins Rather Than Shooting At The Body Of The Shark's sister/daughter/some sort of random relation. Wow. I am pretty damn awesome at making spectacularly convoluted and complex sentences. I think I'll start referring to Ms. Restaurant Owner Lady as Ms. DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS. Anyways, her sister/daughter is the one who will likely be the object of Tubby's affections. It's probably sister, but sister/daughter seems to be significantly younger than DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS.

And likely Ms. DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS and MSD (mysterious stranger dude) are also gonna probably end up bonin' later. Because apparently the way to get in Ms. DIIAGITSASTRTSATBOTS' good graces is to shoot a harpoon into a tree some distance away.

OK. Apparently everyone is related and should share that long-ass acronym as their name. But that would be just awkward. Because you'd never know who I was talking about if everyone was named DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS. And would make the whole DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS/MSD bonin' issue pretty awkward. What with the incest and all that. In case you completely didn't catch my drift.

And now there are a bunch of scantily clad teenagers. All makin' out and gettin' drunk and horseplayin' in the swamp (because nothing says romantic like "swamp"). They are so getting et. Also, there's a single solitary black guy. Or more accurately, there was another one, but he's already been eaten. Currently, its a crap shoot between token black guy and slutty chick in the Douchebag Who's Gonna Get Eaten By A Shark competition. And a narrow victory (if winning a getting eaten competition could be called being victorious) to token black guy. And by narrow, I mean he got eaten scant moments before slutty chick did.

Relationship advice from DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS' boyfriend from when they were in a fight: Said to DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS "I could have any girl I want, you know that right?". Which led to her kissing MSD. And so the incest boning is one step closer... And then led MSD to give Tubby, Smart, Asian Guy relationship advice on dealing with DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS' sister/daughter.

Hey, look! Another black guy. Although I kinda thought that this guy (who showed up in the opening scenes) was the same as original dead, drunk, black guy. But apparently not. I guess we have to commend this guy on his longevity.

Also, any bets on how many random Anonymous commenters are gonna complain about my apparent racism? I still remember that one Anonymous who basically called me unpatriotic because I had the nerve to criticize an actor who had supported our troops. Although, for the most part, I criticize characters on this blog, not actors. Unless it is Stephen Baldwin. Who just sucks. Something fierce.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen anything with him in it in quite some time. Probably because the world realized his utter craptacularity.

Anyways, no racism here, just the "Black guy dies first" stereotype to comment on.

And now we have black sheriff's deputies coming out of the woodwork. One who has a hat. And one who is very much a peeping tom. Who might be the same person. Anyways, peeping tom just got hisself eated by a shark.

Also, its apparently Agent MSD of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. So, I guess he's Slightly Less Mysterious Stranger Dude. Will it confuse everyone if I change MSD's name to SLMSD? Because

Also DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS apparently believes in the existence of Fish and Wildlife SWAT Teams. I am unsure if it might consist of Fish and Wildlife agents, or random fishes and wildlifes. Either way, its a pretty hilarious mental image.

Also, Deputy Wade Boggs, you're threat about shooting is pretty ineffectual. Because your gun is made of rubber.

And its officially sister. DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS confirmed it. Just thought you should know. Because she's essentially been kidnapped by the pile of douchebags from earlier. And instead of kicking everyone in the balls and trying to escape, she's just standing around sulking on the deck of the SS Douchebag drinking a margarita.

Also, the actress who plays DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS' sister is pretty attractive considering she is a product of Gary Sinise's loins.

Also, I can't believe it has taken me this long to use the phrase "Gary Sinise's loins" in a blog post.

Although the movie isn't over yet, I am thoroughly tempted to end this post with a discussion of Gary Sinise's loins. I may just have to bring it up again later.

If only I had discovered her identity sooner. Instead of incessantly defining her as based on her relationship to someone with an awkwardly long acronym for a name, I could have spend that time discussing a famous actor's groinular region.

Which is really what you want to read when you visit this blog.

Also, to turn this topic of conversation from a dude's junk to a woman's cans, this movie hasn't relied on the use of the patented Blurred Syfy Boobs method of nudity. Instead, they carefully framed the shots to heavily imply nudity without actually showing anything.

Also, in addition to having ridiculously easy to steal vehicles, Koly just seems to have an assault rifle laying around in his SUV. Which, too, is apparently stupendously easy for DIIAGITSASFRTSATBOTS to steal. And to add insult to injury, in addition to getting all of his worldly possessions stolen, he has now been eaten by a shark.

And now remaining black guy has been konked on the head by a flying propane canister. So, one can imagine that the age-old axiom of "Black guy dies" is holding true. Although, he seems to have survived.

And apparently if you are an agent of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, you can tell random deputies to arrest people, and they'll comply without asking questions.

Also: Gary Sinise's loins. Enjoy that mental image.

(And now be honest. How many of you were now accosted with a mental image of his man parts?

Inception, baby...)