Apparently I should join the millions. According to that billboard I saw.
What said billboard failed to explain was why I would want to do such a thing.
If there was a neighboring billboard that said "get kicked in the jimmies and a puppy will be saved from cancer" I feel like I know which I'd be tempted more by.
At least one has the decency to explain the motivation
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See, I have several things to say, and I was going to shoot for short and witty, but instead (just heard the railroad whistle from Tweetsie) I am going to run on very loquaciously until the world begs for me to stop (and by the world, I mean you. I am after all pretty much the only person other than you who attempts to regularly read your blog (please note the qualification of attempts)).
For starters, I have no idea what meatless Monday really is, and I don't want to know. Because if it is what it sounds like, they are encouraging you not to eat meat on Mondays. And that would just be stupid. For starters, primates are almost entirely omnivorous, and since most Americans find the consumption of bugs gross, we choose to eat other things. If a giant slow moving cow just toddled up to a chimpanzee I like to believe they would eat it too. I think they would enjoy flinging their poo at the chicken and watching it eat the poo and possibly be too distracted to eat it, but I digress.
Omnivores. Now, you might not spend at much time thinking about your dentition as I do (okay, admittedly I think about my dentition, not yours), but most people have noticed the pointy teeth they have. Usually with their own tongues. Frequently immediately before yelling obscenities because said teeth pierced their tongue. Darnit, you are distracting me again. Focus on the topic. Focus.
Humans have canines. We also have incisors and molars. And we have a pretty significant amount. I bet be have something like premolars too, but I am getting over my head here in talking about human teeth, so I am going to talk about dog and cat teeth and connect the dots later. Because I know a thing or two about dog and cat teeth. Dogs are omnivorous. Cats not so much. Dogs have multiple molars meant for crushing and such. Ever been bit by a cat, they tear the shippoopy out of your hand, the wound heals, and infections festers under the skin. But they have ripping and tearing teeth and can do very little to actually crush things like sticks the way a dog can for hours on end with it’s crazy back molars.
See, molars are a sign of someone who eats plant matter (not vegetarians, they took a word that meant something else and made it into a new definition despite all sorts of science saying the word doesn’t mean who they are using it). Canines are signs of plant eaters. And, as you now run your tongue along your teeth, you will notice that you have both. If you don’t I am guessing that your orthodontist, like mine, thought your canines were too pointy and filed them down (ruining your ability to dress up like a vampire for Halloween without uncomfortable fake fangs).
Digression, digression. I know. Uncontrollable. But seriously your body’s metabolism requires a higher degree of protein than can be garnered through non meat sources. (Eggs are a meat source in my world, just not a meat. You are eating an unborn baby chicken that never had a chance to be fertilized and become a chicken ergo it is a source of a meat, meat source. I, personally, am completely okay with this, I just have to point it out. Eggs are going to become an animal, they just aren’t usually fertilized yet so that they technically can’t become a chicken. I could continue this, but it is getting too close to right to life, right to choice discussion about human reproductive rights, so I’m going back to the chickens. I also eat adult chickens, so I have no compunction about thinking of eggs as what they really are, unborn baby birds. And the kitten is now demonstrating his obligate carnivore teeth on my chin). Beans are a great protein source (unless you are paleo, they would never celebrate a meatless Monday though). Human metabolism requires specific essential amino acids and building blocks. Essential, in this instance, means it has to come from your diet and you can’t build it yourself naturally. Sure, your brain might like carbohydrates more, but your heart will starve for protein. And I am not just being metaphorical now here, those are actually the energy sources those particular organs favor.
So you are going to need to go ahead and keep eating protein if you want to live. That is what I am saying. Also, no one likes it when you have a killer carb crash after lunch and take a nap. Or even worse is when you have a lunch meeting with a particularly boring presentation that makes you fall asleep while sitting next to your boss (personal experience there). And good protein sources are meat and meat products like eggs. So you should go ahead and just ignore that billboard and forge ahead, you obligate omnivore you, because Douglass Adams knew that one day we would be able to breed cows that want to be eaten, we just haven’t gotten there yet.
But my demented and warped brain, fueled by coffee and rice sprinkled with shrimp, sesame seeds, and seaweed immediately jumped to another thought after its long and violent diatribe on the need for humans to eat meat. Perhaps on they are suggesting that on Monday you do completely without all meat, including your own. Cause you know, you are a stinking sack of meat flesh. And thus they are suggesting you not go to work, or really even get out of bed on Mondays. Mondays are to be controlled by the meatless. By the robots, and certain anorexic women whom I am entirely uncertain as to how they are still able to walk with such minimal muscle mass.
So bring on the robot revolution Meatless Monday. The skeleton armies welcome you to their hordes.
Phew, that was long.
And I just remembered the third portion of my diatribe, because I got distracted earlier by other lifely things.
My initial reading was kick a puppy in the jimmies to protect yourself from cancer. My immediate thought was "Dan would totally kick a puppy". I then went to the clubbing of baby seals and was iminently disappointed that your billboard didn't involve a more philosophical option of "Get punched in the jimmies to stop the clubbing of baby seals" so that we could discuss in depth what clubs.
Now I think I am done. No promises.
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